Dear ESPN,
As
a dedicated football fan, I really enjoy your coverage of the National Football League. With shows like Sunday NFL Countdown,
Monday NFL Countdown, Sunday Night Football, NFL Primetime, and the “Blintz”, you certainly have all your football
bases covered. Now, I enjoy your thorough selection of programming, but the half-witted, cockamamie characters that you have
cast to analyze the show make me want to put a .22 caliber to my head.
Let
us start with the leader of this motley bunch you call analysts. Chris “Boomer” Berman is like that kid you were
friends in 2nd grade, who you made Creepy Crawlers and played Pokémon with, but then you moved on, and he didn’t.
You feel bad because you actually liked him once, when everything he did was relevant, and he still thinks you are friends.
Berman’s references are ridiculously antiquated. Here’s an example- during countdown a few weeks ago, Berman called
the Chicago Bear’s Devin Hester “a regular Gene Kelly out there”. Really, Boomer? It’s not 1954. I
don’t want to hear how much you think JP Losman looks like Chachi from Happy Days.
Also, we’ve all gotten past “WHOOOOP”, “BACK BACK BACK”, and “THE RAAAAAIIIIIIIDAAAAAS”. I mean how many times can beat the “he….could…go….all…the…way”
horse dead? Give it a rest, Schwam. This brings me to my next point about Boom. Berman’s alter ego, “The Schwam”,
has had his own segment picking games for years. Why? Who in God’s name knows. “The Schwam went 1-9 this week”
is phrase uttered far too often. Anyone else starting to notice Berman’s age? He’s turning into that crazy old
man that everyone just let’s talk to keep him happy. Half of the time he’s babbling nonsense words, and the other
half he’s busy sucking Tom Jackson’s dick. (Ed.’s note: Tom Jackson is Kevin Eubanks in a fat suit.)
The
other analyst role ESPN fills is the former player turned analyst. Let’s talk about Michael Irvin. I have nothing bad
to say about Michael Irvin. He filled ESPN’s need for the “loud, flashy black guy”. Now after Irvin and
Harold Reynolds went on a booze and marijuana fueled sex romp through Bristol, CT, ESPN was faced
with a conundrum. Who do you get to be a second-rate Michael Irvin? Well, exactly who the Dallas Cowboys got to fill his shoes:
Keyshawn “Give me the damn segment” Johnson. Now “Key”, as the guys call him, is no Michael Irvin.
He does not fill the requisite drug problem, “off the field” incident, and/or DUI categories. Also he doesn’t
have fancy striped suits like Irvin, or a sweet moustache. But as an analyst, I guess it could be worse.
Oh
wait, it is. Emmitt Smith is possible the worst speaker I’ve ever heard. Just because you run real hard, and your name
is Emmitt Smith, does not mean you are God’s gift to broadcasting. Emmitt fumbles
through normal everyday sentences, and I’m pretty sure the teleprompter is moving a bit too fast for Emmitt’s
fourth grade reading level. Recently before the commercial break on Countdown, the teaser informed me to “stay tuned
for Emmitt’s detailed analysis of LT vs. Adrian Peterson”. I decided to give Emmitt another chance. If anything
is his specialty, it has to be running backs, and maybe if they gave him a chance to really try, really hard, he could develop
a story. So they pass it over to Emmitt, and all he says is “I think LT is better because he has a better supporting
cast- back to you Boom”. Really Emmitt, glad to know the Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates are good. Thanks for telling
me how good LT is and for even mentioning Peterson, who by the way broke the all time rushing record that game. Compelling
journalism there, Emmitt.
But
what do the former players know? I mean after all, the coaches are the brains behind all football. So ESPN goes name shopping
and picks up Mike “Firedog” Ditka, and Bill Parcells. Who could miss with these coaches, with a couple Super Bowls
between them? Well, let’s see. Ditka puts his name on anything (notably Levitra, because of that time with Ricky Williams,
when he couldn’t get it up). Ditka, who is older than old school, seems to think that it’s “three yards
and a cloud of dust” and doesn’t know what a forward pass is. Back in Ditka’s day, guys played with broken
legs, on rocky fields, and ate glass before the games. Ditka, when informed of Kevin Everett’s injury, had the fantastic
idea of “taking the facemask off the helmets, to prevent players from using their heads to hit people”. Oh and by the way, if he didn’t already mention it seven times a show, he coached for the Chicago
Bears. Oh, and they’ll probably win this week. Ditka is like that boyfriend who can’t get over the girl that cheated
on him. “But I know they love me over there”, right Mike, right.
Parcells,
on the other hand, is pissed off. It’s like ESPN is just egging him on with all the assignments they give him about
the Cowboys. Parcells is just steaming out the ears every time, and might as well be wearing an “I’m awesome”
shirt, with Jerry Jones on it. They accidentally cut the camera to him during one of Ed Werder’s rare Cowboys stories,
and his big eyes were clearly tearing up. He also makes it incredibly apparent that he hates Tony Romo, and always takes the
chance to call him a celebrity quarterback. I’d be jealous too, he’s nailing Carrie Underwood. But that aside,
Parcells is the guy who sees his former girlfriend (Romo), dancing with a more trendy popular guy (Wade Phillips). Just relax
Bill; there are more fish in the sea. Romo and you just wouldn’t have worked out; you’re too good of a coach for
him anyway.
ESPN,
please do me a favor, and yourself, and get rid of these guys. I can’t take anymore Berman-isms (latest one: Ben “Barack”
Obamanu).
Love, M’arthur
