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11/11 - One Shining Column: Dubroff's NCAA Hoops Preview
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Mike's New Pen Pal

By Mike Arthur

Dear ESPN,

            As a dedicated football fan, I really enjoy your coverage of the National Football League. With shows like Sunday NFL Countdown, Monday NFL Countdown, Sunday Night Football, NFL Primetime, and the “Blintz”, you certainly have all your football bases covered. Now, I enjoy your thorough selection of programming, but the half-witted, cockamamie characters that you have cast to analyze the show make me want to put a .22 caliber to my head.

            Let us start with the leader of this motley bunch you call analysts. Chris “Boomer” Berman is like that kid you were friends in 2nd grade, who you made Creepy Crawlers and played Pokémon with, but then you moved on, and he didn’t. You feel bad because you actually liked him once, when everything he did was relevant, and he still thinks you are friends. Berman’s references are ridiculously antiquated. Here’s an example- during countdown a few weeks ago, Berman called the Chicago Bear’s Devin Hester “a regular Gene Kelly out there”. Really, Boomer? It’s not 1954. I don’t want to hear how much you think JP Losman looks like Chachi from Happy Days.  Also, we’ve all gotten past “WHOOOOP”, “BACK BACK BACK”, and “THE RAAAAAIIIIIIIDAAAAAS”. I mean how many times can beat the “he….could…go….all…the…way” horse dead? Give it a rest, Schwam. This brings me to my next point about Boom. Berman’s alter ego, “The Schwam”, has had his own segment picking games for years. Why? Who in God’s name knows. “The Schwam went 1-9 this week” is phrase uttered far too often. Anyone else starting to notice Berman’s age? He’s turning into that crazy old man that everyone just let’s talk to keep him happy. Half of the time he’s babbling nonsense words, and the other half he’s busy sucking Tom Jackson’s dick. (Ed.’s note: Tom Jackson is Kevin Eubanks in a fat suit.) (read more)

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Chyeah. Tony Romo is hittin' THAT.

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Can we go back to the days our love was strong....

Kelvin Sampson Makes His Last Long-Distance Call:

A Symposium on College Basketball

Guided by Joseph Dubroff 
 
 
I haven't been this excited for an NCAA Basketball season to start up
as much as I am for this one. Florida, 2-time defending champs, are in
a rebuilding phase, but luckily they still have their coach. When
Billy Donovan wanted to pull out from coaching the Magic, he really
committed himself to Florida, and the recruits should start committing
to playing in Gainsville. Why? Donovan is banned from trying to get an
NBA job for 5 years, and there probably won't be a job available in
college basketball that was as prestigious as Kentucky last year, so
Donovan will stay in Florida for a while. The recruits are going to be
McDonalds good (not food, but all-star game) and Jordan good (not the
basketball executive, but also all-star game, and maybe shades of the
player). So give Florida a year to regroup because they lost 85.2% of
their scoring from last year.
 
From that 14.8% that is still there,
there is one veteran leader in Walter Hodge (5.7 PPG) and one big man
who barely made it off the bench during the tournament in sophomore
Marreese Speights. (Besides his first round 7-10 shooting performance,
but that was against a 16 seed.) I bestow upon Florida the rank of
#30, with the addition of two pedigreed players in Jai Lucas (son of
John Lucas and brother of John Lucas III) and Nick Calathes (brother
of St. Joe's senior point forward Pat Calathes). Alex Tyus is going to
be a dangerous power forward with his ability to hit the 3, and don't
forget about Jonathan Mitchell, New York's Mr. Basketball in 2006. He
will be replacing Corey Brewer in the starting lineup immediately.
Here is the Dubs Preseason 25, with a 5 sentence or less synopsis of
each Top 10 team because they just mean so much more and time is
money, so we'll make the important stuff money by substitution: (read more)

 

 

"dude, you pay $50 a year to be known as 'DickInHerAss." -my former roommate, on Xbox Live

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