Best Impression
Last year, JP's Fountain
impression stole the show, inspiring numerous prank phone calls and lots of laughs. However, a bold new competitor rose up
this year. An impression born in the boys' locker room, so piercing and irritating and true to the source that it caused that
kid Evan to ask us to stop doing it. But we didn't. We just kept bragging about how many Chuck E. Cheese tokens we had. Congratulations,
McKeever. The Rudes Voice is the new World Heavyweight Champion of Impressions.
Best Refugee
Why the long face? Nicole Morales came in and "rocked us like a hurricane"-- uh, too soon?
Best Gator, fueled
by Gatorade™ Joakim Noah was going to win this award
in conjunction with its sister award, Ugliest Gator, but when I called him to congratulate him and invite him to the ceremony,
all I heard was the sound of him screaming and pounding his chest. Therefore, I had to scramble and find another Gator. Thus,
I reverted to Facebook, where my only friend at UF is Sarika. Congratulations, kid; at least you're not a Seminole or Hurricane.
The
Jim Rome™ "Listen up, Clones" Memorial Chicken Sando AwardYo Rome,
I don't think that the Chicken
Sando Award should be given out this year. It's a stupid award and it's not as tasty as other awards.
Signed,
The Double
Cheeseburger Award
(Dan in Syracuse)
So, I myself am a double cheeseburger
guy. And after the legendary night at Dubroff's house, I had a gaping hole in my stomach. A hole so epic that not even the
mightiest of Crunchwraps could have filled. There was only one prescription: MICKY D's. (Also, more cowbell OH SNAP I WENT
THERE.) This award is given to the participants of the year's greatest McDonald's run. This year, it was McKeever, Bob "Robert"
Ryan, and myself. What a run.
Best Girlfriend
So
things didn't work out for now. Oh well. Meghan Mowwison Virgina McCrimmon still takes the cake as the best girlfriend of
the year, mostly by default. ... Summa my buses!
the ben and john show fan club Memorial Award
The show has stopped, but the outpouring of support from Caitlin "The Other Caitlin Doherty" Dougherty and Leah "Sig" Sigle
has not. You two will get a cameo when we hit it big, you have my word.
The Schwab Memorial Sports Trivia
Award
This award of great prestige is given each year to
one outstanding member of the Around the Horn Club for exceptional knowledge of sports trivia. I knew the recipient of this
award deserved it when I asked him if he remebered former Georgetown big man Ruben Boumtche Boumtche and he followed up with
a story featuring Ben Wallace pegging Ruben in the head at an NBA practice of long ago. The heir apparent to the Schwab, it
is with great pleasure that I bestow this award upon Joseph Dubroff.
Smash Brother of the Year
Although Pat and Chapman have made a strong showing, Jim as Kirby at Hyrule Castle is practically unbeatable. Jim, however,
needs to experience the world of
Melee, where I basically cannot be touched with Marth.
Best Cafeteria
Staff
Who doesn't like the pleasant greeting of "Mahy'I
help you?" when purchasing a sausage, egg and cheese sandwich every morning? Although the other lady has come up strong lately,
Mrs. Burrows is this year's Cafeteria Staff of the Year.
Longest Boat Ride
After the epic, friendship-altering jaunt through Caz Lake on Memorial Day with Clare, I felt that I had to give her an award,
and I realized that since there's no way in hell she's winning Best Campbell :) I had to come up with another. That was seriously
a way-fun boat ride and I'm really glad we reconnected like that, and have become very close friends.
Best
Online Humor Site
Dalton Axenfeld changed FM forever
when he had me look at a strange site whose URL was
http://picardsong.ytmnd.com. You're The Man Now, Dog.com has taken FM by storm and sites like Books Your Kids Shouldn't Read and Cosby Bebop are now
legendary, along with phrases like "All your base are belong to us" and "tarding out." Max can add this prestigous award to
the ol' stockpile.
Person Who Was Angriest About Not Getting An Award Last Year But Tried to Play It Off
Like He Wasn't
Although Doug Campbell had some choice
words for me when he failed to win Best Campbell, "Mad in Manlius" Mike Arthur was the frontrunner for this Award, which he,
unfortunately, will be unable to defend next year.
Best Car Accident
Inspiring much controversey and crazy whirlwind stories, Lindsay's unfortunate backing into an old man's car in the What's
Your Beef parking lot--or was it Armory Square?--takes the cake as this year's Best Car Accident.
Best Hall
Monitor
In his rookie season, Mr. Kline has made quite
an impression on the Hall Monitoring scene at FM High School. Rocking the leather jacket and Harley like he came out of the
womb equipped as such--maybe he was--Mr. Kline just looks like a badass. (Except the baldness and glasses.) But he IS a badass,
because he's a former prison guard. Better luck next year, Mrs. Corbett and Ms. Wall and Mr. Zello and weird short lady.
Best
Convenience Store
I still remember the first time I went
there: two summers ago with Max and JP and McKeever and maybe Hickey? We bought some random food, marveled at the sheer awesomeness
of the place, then went back to Glen Eagle and played Neutral Nonsense. The Nice 'n Easy, or the SLEAZE, if you will, has
the power to be THE pothead magnet at FM for years to come. Sitting around there eating around midnight counting the number
of stoned FM students and alums who stagger in is a favorite pasttime of The Confederacy.
The Mountain Dew
Award
This award is given to someone who could probably use
a few Mountain Dews to perk up, because he or she always looks tired. (Not to be confused with the "Where's My Dew" award.)
We all know that person who stumbles into class looking like they just rolled out of bed five minutes ago. Some are vocal
about their tiredness, deciding they are in a very unique position because they didn't get as much sleep as they like. Others
just put their head down and slumber silently. Today, we salute the latter. Sid Malak, congratulations, your chronic lethargy
has bagged you your first Benji Award!
Best Quarter Award
Businessman: Well, as you can see, doggone earnings report messed up our fourth quarter.
(ESPN the Phone: They scored a
record-breaking 37 points in the fourth quarter!)
Fat Guy who Looks Like Mike Golic: Wow, GREAT QUARTER!
...
EEEEEEAAAAAAAAYYYYYHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
(Manual buzzer.) The fourth quarter wins this award. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. It's 3:01 AM and this is the last award
I'm doing. Can you tell?
Worst Beverage
I don't see how you degenerates can sit around guzzling Mountain Dew™ Baja Blast™ while you eat your Taco Bell.
The taste is just too... watery and bitter to be a good compliment to the crunchy, spicy, melty, cheesy food you crave. If
I were a Taco Bell drive-thru™ employee, I don't think I'd let people get the Baja Blast; I'd just say we're out and
force them to get a real soda, like Code Red, instead.
Best Use of a Belt in a Myspace Picture
The competition was stiff, but the committee eventually decided in a hotly contested 1-0 vote to give this award to "Chaser,"
in the now famously awful picture of her in sepia tone with a belt wrapped around her neck. Don't quit the day job at the
Bonefish quite yet.
The "Guac" Memorial Large Sprite Award
Taco Bell has all the cheesy, spicy, melty food you crave at the Fourthmeal. Unless, that is, your name starts with a K and
ends with an "Athleen Digan." Digan, a staunch supporter of the practice of the "Bell run," doesn't actually like any of the
food served there, with the possible exception of the Cinnamon Twists. Her ideal Bell meal doesn't contain any kind of Crunch
or Chese or Baja--only the pure, lemon-lime goodness one can only find in a large Sprite. For this unquestioned dedication
to the Bell, and for the fact that Guac is the most amazing human being on Earth, I present the Large Sprite Award to Digan.
TACO BELL MOMENT OF THE YEAR: Going there at Ball and having Guac give us Caramel Apple Empanadas because and ONLY
because we knew Mike McLean. Weird-ass shit!The Deer Hunter Award
Pat Farnach: 1. Deer: 0. That's how the scoreboard reads at the moment, as Pat successfully mauled a deer on the way to my
house this fall, and the bastard couldn't do anything in retaliation. Congratulations, Pat, you earned this one.
Honorable mention: Dave Chang.Best "That's What She Said"
There have
been so many of these, it's probably a crime to pick just one, but in terms of shock value and forum, I'm going to have to
give myself my first award of the night. Mr. Alderman was doing some demonstration, and he made a quip that "Physics teachers
have the BEST toys." You fill in the rest. Ok so that one's not as good if you weren't there. But certainly best "That's What
She Said"-ers are Meghan McCrimmon and Daniel "God"* Blumenthal.
* - For the Jews, "G-d." For the Christian
Scientists, "YAWEH." For the Scientologists, "L. Ron Hubbard."AC -10 Award
As in Goldeneye, the origins of this award are a mystery. Sam Harrison wins.
Game of the Year
This is that big award they give out relatively early so people watch it before they give out "Best Picture." There have been
so many good games this year, from classics like Streets of Rage II and RBI Baseball, to modern day hits like Blitz 2001 and
MVP 2005. When all is said and done, however, no game has made a splash quite like Wayne Gretzky's 3D Hockey, for N64. Three-on-three
arcade hockey action has never been better. The finishes are almost always close, and different tandems go from skillful to
legendary, such as Johns-Arthur scoring 23 goals in a game, or Arthur-McKeever finally taking down Johns paired with Farnach
(sub-award: Worst Gretzkyer: Pat). Stats are a huge part of the game, too. Who can forget the 81-shot game? Or the time I
scored 11 in a period? And no other game that was nominated for this award has a little thing we call Ambulancing. Congrats,
Great One. You may not be the best player in the game (Messier is... or maybe Jagr, or Fedorov, or Yzerman, or Roenick, or
Lemieux), but your game is a giant among men.
Best Ben Kweller Cover
Ned, "Lizzy" was awesome, keep your stuff coming.
The Pentatonic Award
Although
I am tempted to give this award to McKeever because he was talking about the minor pentatonic without knowing what it was,
the lock for this award is Michael Chapman. Shredding on pentatonic licks as the lead guitarist for Coaster, Chapman has taken
the pentatonic from an obscure scale used as the basis for most Eastern music to a way of life. It's also nice to mention
that Chapman can actually play the lick from the Power Rangers theme song. Wow.
Best Chuck Norris Fact
They're all so old that they aren't really that funny anymore, so I will present you with an ACTUAL fact about Chuck Norris:
He was once named Jewish Humanitarian of the Year. (I know-- "WHAT?! HE'S JEWISH?!" Sure is. He's also 66 years old.
Chew on THAT.) Also...... what the hell, here's a good one I like. The original title of the Bible was "Chuck Norris and Friends."
............ There is no such thing as evolution; there's simply a list of animals Chuck Norris has allowed to live. ..............
Every year on his birthday, Chuck Norris selects one lucky child to throw into the sun.
Most Overdone Revival
Band
Don't get me wrong, I like them a lot, but I think
the recent Lynyrd Skynyrd revival has reached near-ridiculous proportions. Is it just because they're touring again, or what?
All I'm saying is that you don't HAVE to use Sweet Home Alabama in every single TV commercial and movie-- there are actually
other songs permissible by law that can be used, too.
Best Nickname
This year has seen a revival of the nickname-- DMac, JDubs, Marthur, Blaze, "Why The Long Face"... but any nickname based
on an STD gets automatic preference. So that being said, this year's Best Nickname has to go to Nicole "Syph" Cifra.
The
"Where's My Mouthpiece?" Award
Oftentimes, when Kira goes
to play, she has this stupid habit of misplacing her mouthpiece. It tends to end up across the room, inside a folder, or somewhere
random like my coat pocket. I don't know how her mouthpiece gets such places, but this penchant for losing something so vital
for playing so frequently must net an award.
Worst Sequel
Fast and the Furious:Tokyo Drift just looks awful. Like... I understand that drifting is cool, and Fast and the Furious is
a proven (although crappy) brand. But like... it's not as fast-paced or intense. They're in a garage. What's next, like,
Fast
and the Furious: London Parallel Parking?
"Yeah, mang, it's the new thing in street racing! We parallel park now!
Our drivers here, ese, they SICK at parallel parking, holmes. Use your NOS to edge the car closer to the curb! Check it out,
this dude has tricked-out purple reverse lights. SO PIMP MANG!!!"
Right.
Honorable Mention:
Rocky Balboa, the sixth Rocky movie, where Rocky comes out of retirement at age Avogadro's Number plus 2i to fight the current
heavyweight champion of the world, Mason "The Line" Dixon. Coming to theaters, regrettably, Christmas 2006.Paramedic
of the Year
This award is given to the man or woman who had
demonstrated excellence in the field of Ambulancing. Ambulancing, of course, is the act of completely debilitating an opponent
in the Sport of Kings, not horse racing, but Wayne Gretzky's 3D Hockey for Nintendo 64. There have been some excellent moments
this year: Marthur and I dumping 20 goals for the first time, the full-ice Power Shot one-timer from the goalie, 81 shots
on goal, my first defeat... for his extensive contributions to the sport, this year's Paramedic of the Year award is given
to the John Stockton of Gretzky, my assist man and doubles partner, Michael Evans Arthur. Congratulations, sir.
Quit
the Blow Award
This prestigous award is named for Sam Harrison
and his raspy voice, designated by Phil Pandori as that of a 40-year-old chain smoker. This year, on All-County weekend, Nicole
"Syph" Cifra had such difficulty talking that she sounded like Splinter from Ninja Turtles. But it's all good, because Syph
has now bagged her second award of the evening.
Best Metrosexual
You wouldn't think of him as such, but Brian Howe is tremendously metrosexual, as he likes walking around with popped "col"
and wearing short shorts. Tell him how much you appreciate the metrosexuality, and he will certainly appreciate it.
Most
Pointless ESPN2 Broadcast
It could have been the Viking
Ultimate Obstace Course. It could have been the Big Air Dog event of the Outdoor Games. It could have even been the entire
Women's NCAA Basketball Tournament. And that's what it was going to be... until today. I just spent about 45 minutes watching
Championship Dominoes... and let me tell you, it was INTENSE. These finely-tuned athletes trained for months for this event,
but only one team--McIntosh and Bailey--is headed for the winners' circle.
The Chill the Freak Out Award,
presented by Red Bull™
This award is presented
to two recipients. The first recipient of this new award goes to the underclassmen of FM High School, who need to CHIWW OUT
and WEALIZE that one bad GWADE isn't going to WUIN their lives!!! The other recipient is not here today to accept, but Carry
Nation would have been honored to get this presitigious award. Her hatchet-toting ways ruined plenty of good booze that her
husband needed to keep his sanity while attempting to live with such a bitch! SEWIOUSLY, CHIWW OUT!!!
Cisco
Systems™ presents Best Tariff
Wow. Just wow.
So many excellent tariffs to choose from this year. I just couldn't decide, so I had to reach back into my old bag of tricks
and revive a classic. The most outstanding tariff of the year has to be the legendary SMOOT-HAWLEY tariff, restricting the
flow of imported steel, BABY!!! This tariff was not popular when it was passed, and it pretty much reaffirmed everyone's beliefs
that Warren G. Harding was, and is, a douche.
The Spicy Curry Award
This award goes to Zaki Rahaman. No reason, it's just an award, just a funny award. It could have gone to anyone.
Most
Awkard Touchy-Feely Emo Half Make-outishness
My favorite
memory of McKeever and the Jessball (aka "Jesse Ball") doing their aforementioned thing in the hallway was the time DMac and
I were having possibly the funniest conversation ever after seventh period, giving birth the now-immortal Mrs. Neiderprum
(sp?) impression, when suddenly we got close to the given rendezvous point between the star-crossed lovers and Dan suddenly
got real quiet and just said "Dude, I gotta go." I mean don't get me wrong, McKeever's responding to the call of duty, but
it had to be done.
Best Name-Spelling Faux Pas
McKeever nearly netted his second award in a row with his second grade habit of calling himself --DANN--... that's Dan, but...
with another N. Emily "MLE" Flanders also came close to clipping the nets on this one, but that one actually kind of makes
sense. I'm going to go ahead and take Clare Campbell here. Clare, the REAL way to spell it is Claire. C-L-A-I-R-E. People
wouldn't be spelling it wrong if you just changed it to that.
Most Likely to Flunk JuCo
AJ Richards is probably going to make a real run at success over at Caz, but I just can't see it ending well for him. It's
ok though, because he can always revert to his fallback career, playing parades professionally and putting his skills in spinning
while marching and playing the bassline to "Take My Breath Away" to good use.
Best Emcee
Note the use of trendy spelling. That's how I roll. Bryan Rudes. Brian? Bryane? Bryann? Brianne? B. Rudes. Congrats.
Media
Studies Commitment to Excellence Scholarship
Dani, even though
you failed to turn in at least one assignment, your dedication to our class and love for Ms. Lasda earned you this hefty fat
paycheck of $"Six Seventy-Five".00. You'll receive your oversized novelty check in the mail in three (3) weeks.
Most
Obscure SU Balla
I really wanted to give this award to JB
Reafsnyder, simply because Mr. Ray Kilmer took Econ notes for him in college, but I'm going to have to give it up to Elvir
Ovcina, the seven-foot center from Serbia (before it became butt buddies with the great nation of "And Montenegro"). Ovcina
thought he could do the European thing and step out to the perimeter and shoot threes--he couldn't-- and he probably ended
up with 4 career rebounds and a 19.3% career shooting PCT as a result. Elvir, here's to you, if you're out there.
Honorable Mention: homesick transfer Tony Bland, Lucious "I called the timeout against Arkansas in the 1995 Second
Round Game / But I did not shoot the deputy" Jackson, JB Reafsnyder, Melvin Tootin, Xzavier Gaines.Most
Pointless, Self-Serving Awards Show, fueled by Mountain Dew™ and built by Hechinger's™ *
Does anyone actually watch or give a shit about the ESPYs? I'm not even kidding. The biggest joke of all is that they tape
the thing on a Wednesday and then air it on Sunday. Dude, just air it when it's taped! ESPN actually posted the award winners
on its own site. The only motivation to tune in is now gone, knowing who won in advance. The show is stupid because even though
the fans vote on the winners, ESPN still picks the nominees for the categories. Lance wins Best Male Athlete. I like it. I
don't like that Vince Young was a nominee and Reggie Bush wasn't, and Bush's 1,734 yard game (or thereabouts) wasn't even
a nominee for Best Moment (but Kobe's 81 was). Vince Young had a GREAT career in Texas, and a great season in 2005-2006. SO
DID REGGIE. He won the effing Heisman. Are we holding it against him that his parents got duped by some landlord? Or are we
simply ONLY LOOKING AT THE ROSE BOWL and NOT SEEING THE ENTIRE BODY OF WORK PUT UP BY EACH PLAYER OVER THE COURSE OF ONE CALENDAR
YEAR? ESPN's people always bitch about the "what-have-you-done-for-me-lately" nature of the sports world. Well, Worldwide
Leader, guess whose fault THAT is?
* - Dude, we could totally rent that place out and have a party. Totally,
we should, dude.Elmer's Glue™ "Not To Beat A Dead Horse" Award
Although I think he'd make a better equine filet than bottle of glue, I think that Barbaro's fate is pretty much secure after
the disappointing end to his career at the Preakness Stakes. Cif and all other Horse Girls, I know this is disappointing,
but next time you need to affix something to something else, and you reach for that bottle of glue, don't mourn the death
of your friend Barbaro. Instead, thank your dearly departed brother-in-riding for sacrificing his body for the greater good.
Best
Horse Girl
Her freaking nickname has the word Stallion
in it. How could Natalie Freaking Brandt NOT get Best Horse Girl of 2006? Sorry Cif. You've won enough. Go home. :)
Best
Athlete
Josh Buchman, Quinnipiac.
Best
Pre-Class Ritual Performing the Miami Heat's "dah da-da
dah dah da-da dah dahh!" made famous by ESPN's Finals commercials before every Economics class made this chant a no-brainer,
although there was some competition from going to the cafeteria to buy Pop-Tarts and going into physics 20 minutes late.
The
--Sexier With Short Hair-- Award Lindsay and Rachel Greene
both make a serious run here, but the winner has to be Kate Felter because she doesn't have an award yet and she's a cool
kid and we're both a lot cooler than we used to be when we dated. "More chill," in her genius assessment.
Best
BENJI™ Awards Show Ripoff
Sometimes the original
is simply the best. See Rocky, Land Before Time, Mario Bros., if you're not sure. The same is true for the Benjis, which were
clearly the best journal/blog awards show to surface last year, conspicuously about 2 weeks before all the others. But when
the original is already the best and doesn't qualify for the award, you take the next best thing: the original ripoff. Sinnjinn's
JUMMIES were pretty funny, and I actually won one or two. But they were still a shameless ripoff.
BEST CAMPBELL
Drumroll please. This is the award we've all been waiting for. Will it be Doug? Or one of the twins? Or will Bruce or 'Turry'
walk away with the crown? To determine the winner, I've set up a ____athalon of various categories in which each Campbell
will be assessed 0 through 3 points. So without furter ado...
Which of the Campbells...
