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By Joseph Dubroff
If I'm making a seven man team for NFL Street of musicians (by musicianship), my group has
to be Dave Matthews Band (current tour lineup). Let's go over this:
Quarterback/Middle Linebacker: Dave Matthews (Guitar/Lead Vocals) Natural leader who has led the
group since its beginnings and should be able to direct an offense and a defense the way he directs a jame on "#41" and "Jimi
Thing." Also, check his footwork for avoiding the rush: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WT_c961r5oU.
Running Back/Cornerback: Boyd Tinsley (Violin/Backup Vocals) Let's make one thing clear: Boyd Tinsley
is the strongest musician I have ever seen. In the combine before last year's Grammy's, Boyd wowed the scouts with a time
of 4.32 seconds in the 40 along with 30 reps on the bench press of 225 lbs. He's got natural vision (as shown on solos
during jams) that will find any whole in the defense. But seriously, just look at Boyd Tinsley and tell me there is a stronger
violinist in the world:
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| Look at the veins! |
Back to the lineup. Let's move out of the backfield:
Wide Receiver/Cornerback: Stefan Lessard (Bass) Stefan is the Jerry Rice of the bass guitar. Not spectacular
at the Grammy combine, but his stats have added up and he gets his stuff done with precise route running.
Wide Receiver/Safety: Butch Taylor (Piano/Organ/Vocal Improv) Butch gets the start at safety partially
due to his first name in the tradition of intimidating names for safeties (see: Tank Williams). Butch does get the job done
with impressive solos and nasty backup work to keep the music rolling.
Offensive Tackle/Defensive Tackle: Rashawn Ross (Trumpet) The biggest person in this group by far, at
5'11" and an estimated 350 lbs., he fits the bill, but his lateral movement on jams will a) make holes for Boyd on offense
and b) plug holes for opposing running backs on defense.
Offensive Tackle/Defensive End: Leroi Moore (Saxophones of all types/Flute/Pennywhistle) His ability
to play so many wind instruments shows his ability to adapt to many different blocking schemes (pass, screen, run inside,
run outside) and make him an everydown player on the defensive line (rush the passer, stop run). Plus, he always
looks like he is pissed off a la Chris Hovan, although Leroi is a little more balanced mentally than Hovan.
Center/Linebacker-Defensive End Hybrid: Carter Beauford (Percussion) The beat keeper of the group will
keep this offensive line together and also "Protect this House" on defense (see: Carter's affinity of Under Armour apparel).
Now, this team would win some challenges in NFL Street, unlike the team that is forced upon
the user in the challenge mode. How about we move on.
Someone tell Floyd Landis to shut the fuck up. I have tried to call him, but I keep getting an answering
machine or Arlene Landis taking my number and promising a return of my call.
My message to Floyd is this:
Dear Floyd,
You cheated. Admit it. Jay Leno made you look like a complete idiot with the "Ehhhhhhhhh" into
implying "you should probably just give up now since we all know you cheated." If you have six excuses for your violation,
that would be too many, so you know you're guilty. No more All-American story bullshit anymore, Floyd. It's over.
Sincerely,
Joseph Dubroff
Adam Freel's catch robbing Albert Pujols of extra bases and any bases at all was actually a sick catch.
No doubt there.
Coolest soccer jersey by far: Cameroon National Team. The colors are great, but the lion completes
it for me (see below).
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| Cameroon National Jersey |
Tom Friend, I understand that you are friends with both Maurice Clarett and Jim Rome. So honestly,
judging from Rome's battle with Chris err Jim Everett ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HNgqQVHI_8), who do you think would win in a wrestling match? To make it more even, we'll make it tag team, and Jim's partner will be substitute
host and Kansas City Star writer who doesn't know what he looks like and thinks he's a pimp Jason Whitlock,
and you will be Clarett's partner. Make sure Maurice doesn't bring the Grey Goose or the guns or the axe. And Roger Lodge
will be the ref. And maybe we should put it in a steel cage. Wouldn't that be exciting? Best show on MSG: not the Liberty, not SportsDesk, not the soccer shows, though the English one is
pretty dope, and DEFINITELY not the Knicks. Al Trautwig's vault is pretty good (Classic Knicks games
are to Knicks fans as Ambien is to passengers on a long flight with a crying baby.). That's right: it has to be WWE Classics.
On Wednesday night I got to enjoy "Ravishing" Richard Rude take on Jake "The Snake" Roberts in a revenge match after Rude
grabbed Jake's wife during a previous Saturday Main Event. Riveting. The fans were great back then, wincing at everything
and making it more real to those back home. I have only watched it once, but I plan to watch it again to relive the glory
days of the WWF.
Most annoying thing about basketball: pickup games at the Y. I love to play. Like Kurtis Blow, "Basketball
is my favorite sport." But the people at the Y are full of themselves. I try not to shoot a lot because I want to make shots.
Some of these cats act like they're playing in front of Jim Boeheim and try to do everything to score a scholarship (Wait
a second. I don't think in major Division I basketball there is reason to give basketball players "scholarships" since they
barely study and focus more on getting to the NBA. Let's just call it "Athlete Financial Assistance." Unless they start getting
3.8 GPAs every semester.). Or, they bitch about every call and if it doesn't go their way, they try to throw the ball as far
away from the court as they can, which is, of course, real classy. here is what I ask:
1.) Play to your abilities, unless your team is shitty and no one to step up
2.) Don't bitch about a call unless it is a most egregious call. In that case, question it, but don't
look for a reversal. I want to win as much as the next guy. But it's just a pickup game. It's not worth it.
It's late. I should go to sleep. It was nice of you to read all this random junk I put together at
2:30 in the morning. You're too good to me.
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