“I told him explicitly not to handle [the 6-ft. lizard] and to use a broom, but Steve completely ignored me. He ended up with about 10 incisor marks on his arm. There was blood everywhere. That was Steve the entertainer; he was a real showman.” Rex Neindorf, Alice Springs Reptile Centre

            Where do you begin a tribute to Steve Irwin? How do you describe what the Crocodile Hunter meant? I’m not going to exaggerate his significance to our everyday lives, or to me. In all honesty, I didn’t even know he had died until almost three days after the fact. These are the things people really need to tell me when they happen. Actually, they probably saw a “tribute column” coming and figured it would be best not to tell me – “Let’s wait a while, we don’t want the asshole comparing him to Gary Gaetti or something”- but no matter how small of a player he might have been on the stage of pop culture or TV or…where do you even classify the Crocodile Hunter? It’s not like there’s anyone to compare him to, nobody does what he does- he deserves a sendoff on Manual Buzzer, because when you really get down to appreciating Steve Irwin, you realize he exemplified everything it meant to be a guy. Steve Irwin was a shining example of a guy.

            Dave Barry said it best when he described the principle difference between a man and a guy. The first astronaut to set foot on the moon? That was a man. The first astronaut to hit a golf ball into orbit on the moon? That was a guy. You really can’t put it any better than that. Men did battle in the Coliseum at Rome. Guys were tailgating outside. Walter Cronkite? Man. Jon Stewart? Guy. Vince Lombardi? Man. Woody Hayes? Guy. Al Michaels? Man. John Madden? Guy. Steve Irwin was a guy, through and through. Tell me you can’t see him at a rugby tailgate (or whatever they tailgate for in Australia- a real ‘guy’ country, by the way) or attempting to do home plumbing repair despite having no formal training whatsoever. Only the highest caliber of guy would make a living by provoking deadly animals on camera just to see what would happen. Jacques Cousteau (man, although French) dedicated his life to carefully planned, scientific, groundbreaking wildlife research. Steve Irwin (guy) once fed an unrestrained crocodile scraps of flesh from his right hand while holding his month-old son, Bob (destined to be a guy) in the other. If you can’t see the difference, then one thing is painfully clear- you are a woman.

            Steve Irwin was part Jimi Hendrix lighting his guitar on fire on stage, to the delight of his audience. The two aren’t exactly comparable, though, because while Hendrix possessed transcendent talent, Irwin’s job required very little apparent skill other than the ingrained, natural guy penchant for messing with dangerous things, and the common sense to keep important body parts away from the sharp ends of the animal. Irwin was part Ken Caminiti, playing with fire his whole career (again, to the delight of audiences) and dying a premature death in his early forties (Irwin was 44, Caminiti was 41- look, an actual researched fact!). Again, the two aren’t exactly comparable, because while Caminiti battled severe depression which eventually led to his downfall through drugs, Irwin was described as in “a good frame of mind” the morning of Sept. 4, sitting with a friend, “just talking about how good life was.” Their underlying similarity is the fact that, sadly, you can pretty safely file both their deaths under “Bound to Happen”- Caminiti just after “Britney/K-Fed Breakup” and Irwin just before “Knoxville, Johnny- Castration.” By the way, Johnny Knoxville and Kevin Federline are both guys. Not our best ambassadors, I know, but guys just the same.

            Steve Irwin was an inspiration to guys everywhere, for the boyish enthusiasm with which he approached incredibly stupid and unsafe stunts and for his penchant for bullshit. Irwin held fast to the claim that his encounters with animals on his TV show were forwarding his message of “conservation through education”- complete bullshit that any guy who has ever explained the hand-eye coordination benefits of video games to a parent or the importance of fantasy football to a woman saw right through. These are the qualities that made Steve Irwin such a great guy. He was, by all accounts, a devoted and loving father to Bindi, 8, and Bob, 2, who, like so many others, saw him as a hero. Steve Irwin was a hero, and a father, and a conservationist, but his truest title is Steve Irwin- Guy. I think any guy would tell you that it’s sad to see one of our own fall, especially one as great as Steve Irwin. Steve, you will be missed. Rest in peace, buddy.

            A few other notable events this week. Rosie O’Donnell joins Barbara “Baba Wawa” Walters, Joy Behar, and Elisabeth “Honey, did the Redskins ever call back?” Hasselbeck on The View. I’d compare this move to El Duque joining the Mets rotation earlier this year- a former ace past their prime joins an esteemed veteran (Walters/Glavine), an experienced flamethrower (Behar/Pedro), and an up-and-comer (Hasselbeck/ John Maine) in a four-man rotation. The move seems like a big deal at first, but then you realize that it’s more a question of maintaining the quality of the quartet rather than shaking it up and improving it, because the Mets will end up in the playoffs, regardless, and The View will remain a ratings bonanza, regardless. By the way, in this case, Kris Benson plays the role of Star Jones, with Anna as Al Reynolds.

            A big weekend in football- Steelers-Fins Friday night, Ohio State-Texas Saturday night, and Manning v. Manning Sunday night. It was nice to see my Buckeyes trounce Texas and their stud quarterback – what was his name again? I forget…- and to see Peyton rep it for older brothers everywhere by edging out Eli and the Giants. I imagine Ben was conflicted on this one, as the oldest of three brothers and a die-hard Giants fan. One reason I like the Giants is that their team website has one of the few games that wasn’t firewalled on the computers back in high school- Kraft 2-Minute Football. Good times.

            Katie Couric took over as the anchor of the CBS Evening News, and caused some controversy when she asked viewers to submit suggestions for a signiature sign-off at the end of her broadcast. The Cleveland Indians can relate- they’re one more blown save in the post-Wickman era away from pulling fans out of the first row to pitch the ninth.

            Finally, Paris Hilton was arrested for DUI this week after driving erratically. In her defense, my sources tell me that she was standing on loose gravel. Cars were whizzing by. She had just been playing hockey for two hours. She was tired. She should have called Tom Anelli, the DUI guy. He’s publishing two books on DUI defense this year. He knows her rights.

            My time’s up…as always, you’ve been great.