NFC East
As we
reach the halfway point of this season, this division has been defined by one game: the Monday night showdown between the
Cowboys and the Giants. I kept a running diary from this game- a wise decision, since the game turned out to be a crucial
turning point in the season for the NFC East, and a regrettable one, since the game was so ugly that I turned to the Daily
Show rather than watch the 4th quarter (meaning that I didn’t feel right putting it on the site). Here are
some of my notes from that epic game…
1st
Quarter
I can
already tell this is going to be a Theismann Watch game. A Theismann Watch game is one in which you’re paying less attention
to the action on the field and more attention to the stunningly idiotic things coming out of Joe Theismann’s mouth.
Like Art Shell, I have no idea how this man is qualified to do his job, but he’s entertaining if nothing else.
-The
Cowboys are snapping from their own 1 inch line on second down, after an incomplete pass by Bledsoe on 1st down.
Tony:
“Why not just run the ball here, when you’ve got a quarterback as immobile as the actual Statue of Liberty?”
Theismann:
“I think that passing is the smart thing to do here. Just let Bledsoe sit back and use the whole field.”
Literally
two seconds later, Lavar Freaking Arrington breaks through the Dallas line and hammers Bledsoe for a safety. This is the
Giants D that sacked Michael Vick seven times, and you’re trusting Drew Bledsoe to buy time in the pocket? With Dallas’ O-line? Good thinking, Joe. Is this what they’ve
been feeding you since they let LT break your leg?
-So far,
Theissman’s Clyde Frazier Tally (number of times a commentator talks right up to, into, or through a commercial/ prepackaged
video segment) is at three. We’ll see how much he has in the tank tonight.
-With
Dallas driving inside the NY 15, Bledsoe throws a pick (again,
if you didn’t see this coming, you must not follow football too closely) into the arms of Sam Madison. Madison successfully shuffles his feet to stay in bounds. Theissman takes it upon himself
to count his steps: “Look, there’s one foot, two, three, four- I don’t know how many more foots you need
to get in!”
-Theissman- “[Tiki] Barber only has one
TD this year, but his little brother Ronde has two! He’s gonna have to go for a little bit to catch up.” Are you
for real, Joe? Do you not know what “twins” means?
2nd
Quarter
-Tirico: “Lavar Arrington is having his
best quarter and a half as a Giant.” Needless to say, moments later, Arrington is carted off with a ruptured Achilles
(out for the year). Was there anyone who didn’t see this coming? Anyone?
- Tiki fumbles and is consequently taken off
the field. Suzy Kolber gives us the injury report, and informs us that Barber was just a little shaken up, and that coaches
splashed water on his face, had him cross his feet (or foots, as Theissman might say), and walk a short straight line. These
sound eerily similar to the Medicare eligibility tests used on senior citizens that I had to research for Rudy’s PAF
101 class. You know it might be time to retire if…
Halftime Show
First of all, remember when every halftime show was sponsored by Pennzoil? Is there
still a Pennzoil halftime show somewhere? Is Pennzoil still a company? I feel old.
-Is there
anything more entertaining than a Chris Berman-narrated highlight reel? In tonight’s edition, Berman is attempting to
splice in highlights from the World Series to help along a Steelers-Falcons recap. You really can’t top Berman- he gets
sidetracked halfway through sentences and fails to finish them, screams “WHAAAP!” at inappropriate times, and
gives out ridiculous nicknames (Berman’s nicknames are apparently called “Bermanisms,” which is actually
a question category in the ESPN Scene It? game). Nope, nothing like a Berman segment. I thought after his sputtering performance
last season, when NFL primetime was cancelled mid-season because he was doing such a bad job, that I might not get to see
a Boomer-TJ recap show. Then ESPN debuted “The Blitz” this year, which Berman keeps inexplicable referring to
as “The Blintz.” For some reason, Tom Jackson (adapting to his role
as a blue-collar Kevin Eubanks) never fails to find this hilarious. A typical episode of “The Blitz” includes
forty-eight “WHAAAP!”s, fourteen declarative sentences inappropriately phrased as questions, and fifteen incomprehensible
jokes that must really tickle Tom Jackson. I think TJ must be laughing at Berman,
and not with him, because there’s no way he understands what the hell he’s talking about. I’m not saying
Berman isn’t very good at what he does, I’m just saying that Berman isn’t very good at what he does.
-Irvin: “I hate to beat a dead horse to
death, but…”
3rd
Quarter
- We have a Tony Romo sighting! A fed-up Parcells
has apparently decided it’s time to promote Romo to a starter. I just hope Romo can play right tackle, because that’s
where the Cowboys need help. I don’t care if Bledsoe is immobile, the Cowboys line is atrocious. Against a ferocious
D-line like New York’s, it really doesn’t matter if you’ve got Drew Bledsoe, Michael Vick, or Tecmo Bowl
QB Eagles #0 in the backfield, with that line, you’re going down. And…wait…the first pass of Romo’s
career (not in a mop-up role) is…INTERCEPTED! Bledsoe has a priceless face right now- he looks like Stephen from Laguna Beach after he found out that his ex, Kristin, had her heart broken
by Jason after all, like he knew she would. Yep, Tony Romo, the pride of D I-AA Eastern Illinois. Ever thought a QB would
make Dallas fans pine for the days of Quincy Carter?
-Romo’s
actually looking good right now- he found TO over the middle, so he’s already off on a good foot- this Romo-Owens relationship
might actually last a full six weeks before TO explodes.
-Giants
injuries so far: Tiki, Arrington, Osi Umenyuri. I’m waiting for Shockey and Burress to collide like Beltran and Cameron
chasing down a deep ball. Could the Giants have any worse luck this game? Just a minute age, I thought Tiki’s career
was over a few months ahead of schedule when Dirtbag Roy Williams horse-collared him from behind and attempted to break his
back. I hope Roy Williams dies in a fire. They put in the god damn rule for you, Roy! You’re the whole reason they made
the rule!!!! Two years ago, you did it to TO, forcing him to miss most of the season, and now you almost did it to Tiki. Burn
in hell.
-Speaking
of TO, Romo just fired a pass to him (wide open) on 4th and 2, which bounced right off his hands. TO’s incredibly
mature reaction to this rookie mistake? Grinning like an idiot on the sidelines. Can you imagine if a quarterback threw TO
a bad pass on 4th and 2, and then took his helmet off and grinned at TO? Owens would probably rip his head off
right on the spot. Is it possible that we’ve overvalued TO as a wideout? Just remember, Terrell, it’s not too
late to rethink the whole suicide thing.
- I’d
like to be the Giants right now- 4th and inches on the Cowboys’ one yard line. This is an easy one if I’m
Tom Coughlin. Here are your options- 1) FG attempt, or 2) Run Brandon Jacobs up the middle for the TD. Possible outcomes for
option 1- Feely makes the chip shot (lousy odds), Feely misses the chip shot (good odds). Possible outcomes for option 2-
the 6’4” Jacobs pounds it up the middle for a TD to put the G-men up 26-7 (likely), or the Cowboys stuff the run,
get the ball back on their own 1 (starting to sound familiar? Think back to the first quarter…), and the Giants get
2 points and the ball back. With option 2, either way, you win. Coughlin, being a smart guy, goes with option 2. The Giants
score, and will more than likely get the ball back on another Romo INT on the ensuing possession. Life is good if you’re
Tom Coughlin right now.
Come
to think of it, life’s pretty good if you’re the Giants right now, except for the fact that Strahan, Osi, Arrington,
Plaxico, and about nine other guys are hurt. Next, you’re going to tell me Eli Manning is listed as “DOUBTFUL
(ass)” after Peyton kicks him in that SportsCenter commercial. This division’s going to be a lot closer than it
should be…I’m genuinely sorry for the G-men. Win one for that old distraction Tiki Barber, alright?
NFC North
OMG!!!!!! It’s the BEARS!!!!!!! THE GREATEST
FOOTBALL TEAM EVER!!!!!!!!!11!!!!
Well, the greatest football team ever to lose
to Joey Harrington. So much for that vaunted Bears defense. The Bears have dominated the headlines this year, and everyone
has them down as the NFC representative in the Super Bowl. I don’t, and here’s why.
Three Reasons
Not to Get So Damn High on the Bears
1) Schedule: I know the Bears are capable of beating a
good team at full strength, something they haven’t done this year, but their schedule doesn’t get much harder
from here on out. If, to paraphrase Denny Green, they ARE who we THINK THEY ARE, then they’ll have to prove it against
New England. Chicago is 8-1 right now, having played teams
with a combined 33-48 record. From here on out, they play a schedule with a combined 27-35 record. Who made this schedule,
the Notre Dame coaches? Where’s Navy? Let’s not forget that the Bears play in the NFC Freaking North. If you’re keeping score at home, that means six games against Minnesota,
Green Bay, and Detroit (all
under first-year coaches!). If you can’t come up with a double digit win total with those six games, not to mention
Buffalo, Arizona, San Fran, Tampa, and the Jets, then your head coach should be fired.
2) Offense: Who, exactly, is scoring points on this team?
As far as I can tell, the only thing resembling an offense the Bears have this season is a strategy called “going three
and out so that somebody, sooner or later, will have to punt the ball to Devin Hester.” Sure, you’ve got Mushin
Muhammad, but somebody has to throw the ball to him, and so far, Rex Grossman’s been responsible for more picks than
Jim Boeheim during a timeout. You know you’re in trouble when your ground game is built around…Thomas Jones. Yes,
that Thomas Jones. Thomas has put up exactly three (3) 100-yard rushing games this
season…against Buffalo, San Fran, and the Giants’
practice squad. To me, that doesn’t scream “Super Bowl.”
3) History: Anybody remember the year 2001? The Bears devoured
a soft regular-season schedule like that fat kid who ate 11 pounds of watermelon in one minute on Figure It Out, and then
rolled over and died in the playoffs. Now, five years and one Urlacher-Paris Hilton relationship later, everyone seems to
have forgotten. I love the Bears’ secondary, and I like the defense-first mentality, but no team has ever won the Super
Bowl by a score of 0 to -14. This Bears team is certainly trying to be the first, but at some point you need, well, points.
By the way, ESPN.com editors- where have the Devin Hester-Hester Prynne-Scarlet Letter headline puns been this season? He’s
won two huge games for the Bears, and I haven’t seen anything. You already let me down when you didn’t run “Cock
Block” in huge typeface after Florida blocked South
Carolina’s field goal attempt in the closing seconds to remain unbeaten. Redeem yourself here.
NFC South
OMG!!! It’s the SAINTS!!! The MOST INSPIRATIONAL
TEAM IN ALL OF FOOTBALL!!!!!!11!!!!!
And Reggie Bush isn’t even one of the five
best performers on their team. Maybe if he’d stop hanging out with Jon Lovitz and Jared filming idiotic Subway commercials,
he’d be gaining more than 2.6 yards a carry and less than 2.6 pounds a week in Cold Cut Trio weight.
Quickly, the top 5 NFL players who you wouldn’t
recognize if they walked into your room with their jersey on:
1. Marques Colston
2. Brad Johnson
3. Jim Finn (Johns is an exception here)
4. Frank Gore
5. Chris Chambers
NFC West
Ladies and gentlemen, there’s a new curse
in town. After Shaun Alexander dutifully went down after appearing on the cover of Madden, the Seahawks probably thought,
“Well, we were screwed by the worst junior-varsity officiating crew in the history of the sport in the Super Bowl, and
our star back and league MVP is out with the Madden Cover Jinx…I think we’ve had our share of bad luck. Things
can only get better from here, right?” They then thought, “The PlayStation 3 will retail for five hundred ninety-”
“WRONG!!!!”
That’s right, Matt Hasselbeck has become
the second of three victims of the Campbell’s Chunky
Soup Commercial Curse. After inventing the genre in ’04, Donovan McNabb gets the shit kicked out of him in ’05
and sits the second half of the season with injuries. Hasselbeck feeds his NFL-sized hunger, and he, too, goes down with an
injury. How long do you think the Campbell’s people kept the current ad (featuring the 2-6 “Super Bowl Champion”
Steelers) in the can before releasing it, just so no one would catch on to the Curse? Memo to teams that played in recent
Super Bowls: Do not let your team appear in Campbell’s
commercials. Your star QB (McNabb, Hasselbeck, Roethlisberger) will be served a microwaveable, single-serving, Wild Rice &
Bean flavored helping of delicious revenge. The exception here is, of course, Belichick, who used witchcraft to avoid the
Curse entirely.
With so many things upside-down in the football
universe this season (I distinctly remember reading through the sports pages around Week 3 and discovering that David Carr
was leading the NFL in passer rating), I’d like to end this report with a heartwarming story. While walking through
the Oval a few weeks ago, I passed three guys walking the other direction- a father, his son (age: roughly five), and the
kid’s uncle/ the dad’s brother. The two men were walking with the boy in between them. The older guys were discussing
sports (as men are prone to do, from time to time) as the boy looked up wide-eyed and listened intently and clearly dying
to contribute. The following exchange made the rest of my week:
Guy #1:
“You know what the new big fantasy sport is now?”
Guy #2: “I don’t know, wha-”
Kid (looking up lovingly at his dad, exclaims
joyfully): “Fantasy Football!”
I raised my arms in triumph. Not even the gravest
global crisis or the most tumultuous NFL season (the Saints and Chargers are good?) can keep guys away from football, and
vice-versa. What I witnessed was the next generation of guys, guys who will face-paint for games and bullshit at the water
cooler and log countless hours on Yahoo playing fantasy football. The future is bright.
