lol heisman

On Sunday night, Troy Smith (QB- THE Ohio State University) was invited to join the brotherhood of Heisman winners past in a dramatic (some might say, DRAWN OUT) ceremony televised on ESPN. Smith’s induction into this “elite fraternity” was memorable for a number of reasons, including Bonnie Bernstein’s dress (and they say there’s sexual harassment at ESPN? Imagine. ), Lee Corso’s mind-numbing commentary, that thing on Corso’s upper lip the whole time (what was that?), and the touching, triumphant moments that capped Smith’s maturation from Troy Smith, troubled city youth, to Troy Smith, citizen-athlete and role model. Not included in the coverage was footage of Eric Crouch breaking a wooden paddle over a blindfolded Troy’s ass upon his induction into the “elite fraternity” of Heisman winners.

Smith’s victory was genuinely touching, but there’s no denying that a snub of epic proportions had taken place the minute his name was called. I’m not talking about Brady Quinn, or Darren McFadden, or even Colt Brennan. I’m not even talking about Steve Slaton or that one running back from that one team up north (you know, the one who said Ohio State’s defense was “nothing special”). I’m talking about QB #14, HB #44, and RE #91 from my Marshall team in NCAA ’07, which I am currently using to dominate my floor at college. Nobody runs “PA Rollout” better than double-threat QB #14 (real name: Bernard Morris). Nobody can bounce an “HB Wham” to the outside quite like HB #44 (Ahmad Bradshaw). And RE #91 (Shavar Greer) has approximately 1,247 sacks this season, almost exclusively against Colt Brennan (my nemesis). Where were these guys in the Heisman balloting? Sure, they play in C-USA. So what? Didn’t you see the previews for “We Are Marshall”? These guys are warriors! Actually, they should just give the Heisman to Matthew McConaughey’s dimples.

I’m relieved that I won’t have to overshoot Columbus on my way back to college and burn down Notre Dame, which would have been my only logical course of action if pretty boy Brady Quinn had won the Heisman. As for McFadden, I kind of felt bad for him, because he knew he had no chance of winning the thing, but he had to sit there just the same. He had the little-known “Tom Wilkinson at the 2002 Oscars” Face going. Wilkinson delivered a reportedly Oscar-worthy performance in 2001’s “In the Bedroom.” Unfortunately, he did it in the same year that Denzel Washington, the Best Actor winner, delivered in “Training Day,” and that Russell Crowe and Jennifer Connelly teamed up in “A Beautiful Mind.” Needless to say, much like this year’s Heisman “race,” the question was never “who,” but “by how much.” Wilkinson had the “I’m trying to be happy for you here” face in full effect at the Oscars that year, a face he shares with many of the desperate parents on “Parental Control” who are so anxious to get rid of the current boyfriend that they act charmed and thrilled by even the most deviant of their “picks” (Mom: See, Brandon, she’s laughing. He’s making her laugh. Do you make her laugh? Brandon: Uh, he’s choking her. Forcefully. She’s gasping for air…I think we should get help!

Dad: I think she looks like she’s having fun.)

On a different note, my beloved Red Sox are having a vintage Red Sox offseason. First, we spend 51.1 million just to talk to Daisuke Matsuzaka, who apparently borrowed his business model from those late-night 900 numbers that promise “txt flirting.” I wonder if he charges by the minute, too. Even more thrilling are reports that we probably won’t even land the guy, which, along with the reports that Manny might be leaving, are the most aggravating reports this side of the end-of-semester report I had to write for English 110. To brighten my spirits for the holidays, the Red Sox went to the trouble of signing the potentially suicidal J.D. Drew to a 5-year, $70 million dollar deal. Aw, Theo, you shouldn’t have. No, really, you shouldn’t have. This guy wins the Kyle Gass Memorial Award for “Guy who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about his health, his team, or life in general.” He’s a quintessential Second Banana, and he’s going to be a bigger bust than Renteria. Jesus, we only signed Renteria for four years, and I thought that was bad. Five years? For J.D. Drew? Maybe his parents named him after J.D. Salinger, because this guy is the Holden of the baseball world- a drifter who can’t make it anywhere, has no ambition, blames the world for his problems, shows minimal effort in everything, and always has the Edgar Renteria Memorial “I Really Don’t Want To Be Here” Face (a cousin of the “Eli Manning Holding the Chargers Jersey” Face).

Drew’s stint with the Sox will likely cement his place on the all time Second Banana Scale. Here’s a rough estimate (10 being the highest).

Second Banana Scale

1.0- Anybody working the booth alongside Dickie V

2.0- Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite

3.0- Sean Salisbury/ Any member of the 2006 Chicago Bulls (work cited: Bill Simmons)

4.0- Dennis Miller (actually, a rare third banana)

5.0- Raichu (the guy that evolved from Pikachu)

6.0- Dolphins-era Joey Harrington

7.0- The older Pete from Pete + Pete / Brooks Bollinger

8.0- Any of Sipowicz’ partners on NYPD Blue

9.0- Kyle Gass of Tenacious D (last spotted wearing the Jaime Lawlor Memorial “Wolf T-shirt” on Conan over his blubbery body)

9.5- Scottie Pippen / Freshman year of college-era Bush/ Dellas

10.0- Bubby Brister (Broncos-era)

I suppose J.D. Drew lands somewhere in the 7-8 range, but with his bloated contract and negative attitude, we might be looking at an 8.5 here. Astounding management by the Red Sox.

One last Heisman thought before I go. When the camera cut to the three finalists- Quinn, Smith, and McFadden, from left to right- was I the only one hoping that Brady Quinn would put a Tweety Bird Pez dispenser on Troy’s knee during a serious Chris Fowler speech, causing Troy to bust up hysterically and leave the room? Seinfeld’s move might have been the only strategy Brady had to win the Heisman…although, even if Troy wasn’t there, McFadden actually finished second in the voting. The good news for Quinn is that he plays Jerry in this analogy, meaning he’ll be the only one of the three to have a good career after college, much like Jerry was the only survivor of the Seinfeld Curse. I hope we don’t see “The New Adventures of Old Troy Smith” or “Father of the Pride” (with McFadden playing an animated hog) anytime in the future…no word on whether Colt Brennan will go down in a fireball of racial epithets a la Michael Richards. I’m excited for these guys’ futures…stay tuned.