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May 5, 2007
Dear Diary,
What a day! I met with the Commissioner today, thinking we were just going to have
a chat and catch up. Next thing I know, he ends up suspending me for the whole season! And over nothing! He kept bringing
up "the Vegas incident"- you know, at the ip-stray ub-clay- like I had done something wrong. I just want to clarify what happened
that night, so I'm writing it down here, even if you're the only one that reads it, Diary.
Flash back to the NBA All-Star
weekend in February. I'm rolling downtown with my boys: Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde. We've been out all night, minding
our own business, when we start to get a little hungry. Now, me, all I want is a snack- I could have gone for a couple cherries
on a stem, or a slice of watermelon, maybe an orange. I suggest we roll to the Orange Julius for some smoothies (it's a Saturday
night, why not live a little?), but Blinky is hungry. He starts turning all red, and says he wants to go to the Minxx and
get a little dinner and a show.
Now, keep in mind, I'm totally not down. First of all, if Ms. Pac-Man found out that
I had gone out in clubbing, I would be in some serious trouble when I got home. I'd rather be in Mike Vick's doghouse than
my wife's, if you know what I mean. (Whoops! Hehehe.) Secondly, how many times has the Commissioner told me, "Adam, you need
to start making some better decisions"? (The Commish always calls me "Adam," even though I've asked him politely to call me
Pac, because that's what my friends call me, and I want him to be my friend. I've also discovered that he doesn't like it
when I call him Rog, Rog-baby, or Mr. Rogers. I even tried out plain old "Goodell" in an interview one time- that didn't go
over well, let me tell you.)
We get to the club, and Clyde practically has to drag me inside. I personally don't care
to see beautiful young women objectified in that manner, but what can you do? Sometimes is has to be bros before hos and the
league's player conduct policy. We get inside, and who do I see on stage but my main bitch Sue! I was so excited to see her,
I decided to give her and the other dancers a real generous tip. After all, I had just raked in a killing at Wednesday night
bingo the week before (take that, Edna and Phyllis!), and I'd rather give my spare cash to hard-working girls than gamble
it all away on a wild night in Vegas. The way I look at it, I made it rain on those hos to keep myself out of trouble.
Well,
this whole time that Sue and I have been catching up, my boys have been causing some trouble at the sandwich counter. Apparently
Pinky’s been demanding that the owner give him a chicken sandwich and some waffle fries for free, and management isn’t
taking too kindly to our presence anymore. Next thing I know, Inky’s hustling me out the door, and my boys are weaving
all over the dance floor, knocking people down and yelling “Game over!” I was doing my best to stay strong and
keep from crying. We make it to the car, and Blinky’s firing into the screaming crowd. I can’t tell which way
is up or down anymore, and next thing I know, I’m curled up in my hotel room, trying to pretend it never happened.
Of
course, who’s the first person to call me in the morning? My BFF, Vince Young, just checking in to see if I’m
doing okay. Vince just has a heart of gold, Diary, he really does. I was watching Oprah last week (I didn’t really need
to write that- like I’d miss Oprah!), and she was talking about how she and her best girlfriend, Gayle, have a bond
that’s closer than sisters or lovers. I sometimes feel like Vince and I have that kind of bond, but I never know how
to bring it up to him. I’m so happy for him for all his success- the starting job, the Rookie of the Year award, the
Madden cover- although I don’t get to see the field as much anymore now that Kerry Collins isn’t getting picked
off on every other down.
Which brings me to this suspension. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself!
I guess this’ll give me more time to focus on my pro wrestling career, and my rap career (I like to think I’m
kind of a Renaissance man). Right now I’m in the studio working on a follow-up to Akon’s “You Can Put The
Blame on Me.” It’s called, “Thanks, We Were Planning On Doing Just That.” The good news is that I’m
still a character in Madden! Maybe one day I’ll be on the cover, or even have my own video game. A Pac-Man video game-
how cool would that be?
I am going to miss football, though. I tried to tell Coach Fisher how I felt, but he just kept
nodding- I’m not sure if he could see over his moustache to see who I was. The silver lining is that even if we went
to the Super Bowl this year, I wouldn’t be missing anything- Coach is gameplanning for a Super Bowl against Rex Grossman
and the NFC Champion Bears. His strategy is to take the field with no cornerbacks lined up against the Bears receivers. His
thinking is that since Rex is only used to throwing into triple coverage, he’ll be so confused that he won’t know
where to throw, and we’ll have time to sack him. I knew there was a reason he’s the longest-tenured head coach
in the league.
Well, that’s all from me for now, Diary. Wish me luck with wrestling (Roger says I should be wrestling
my inner demons instead of Scottie 2 Hottie, but what does he know?), tty again soon!!!
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