Chicago Bears' Head Coach Lovie Smith announced Monday that, after weeks of “all that Rex Grossman is our quarterback and Brian Griese is our quarterback bullsh*t,” the Bears have decided that no quarterback is their quarterback. That's right, this Sunday, the Bad News Bears head to Lincoln Financial Field to take on the Philadelphia Eagles and will do so without Grossman or Griese at the helm.

When questioned about his game plan for Sunday, Chicago Offensive Coordinator Ron Turner replied, “Oh, well, I figured we'd maybe do a direct snap to Benson on first down, see if we can get, you know, like, a two yard gain, and then punt the ball away on second, or maybe even just punt on first, then let the defense take over. 'Cause, I mean, our defense is pretty good.” Turner also mentioned that the reason this plan should work well in Philly on Sunday is that it “almost completely takes CB Sheldon Brown and safety Sean Considine out of the game. Those guys are GOOD!”

Defensive Coordinator Ron Rivera said he was excited for Sunday's game plan: “Just imagine how tired Philly's offense will be from being on the field for so much of the game!” When a reporter raised the question of the Bear's defense also showing signs of fatigue from prolonged play, a confused Rivera seemed at a loss for words, simply replying, “Umm... Brian Urlacher.”

Brian Griese told the media Monday that while he was “sort of disappointed” to lose his first starting job in such a short period of time, he was somewhat appeased by the fact that the team still had a plan to keep both Griese and Grossman involved for Sunday's game: “Lovie-Dovie [Head coach Lovie Smith] is going to have us on the sideline playing that game where you stand really close to each other and throw the ball back and forth, taking a step back every time you successfully complete a pass. The goal is to see how far apart you can get before someone drops the ball.” Griese went on to say that, “It's a pretty fun game and between the two of us, we should be able to rack up, I dunno, geez, at least a hundred yards throughout the course of the game.”

The Associated Press reports that Grossman said he was “just happy to be able to throw a football in the venue where a game is being played, if not in the actual game itself.” Yahoo! Sports reports that, unfortunately, they will not be able to count yards accumulated on the sideline towards either quarterbacks' fantasy stats.

With their jobs in obvious jeopardy in Chicago, reporters asked the two threatened quarterbacks to comment about their potential future. Grossman mentioned that he had received a potential offer to return to play for his alma mater, Bloomington South High School in Indiana as the second string quarterback. However, he was uncertain whether or not this move would occur, as the high school's athletic director publicly expressed concern about Grossman's ability to “hit the smaller target a high school receiver would present.” Griese said he was considering a pro wrestling career. Upon hearing this, Pac-Man Jones is reported to have said, “See you on Monday Night Raw, GREASY!”

When asked about the future of the quarterback position in Chicago, Lovie Smith replied that they would most likely just hold out until Jimmy Clausen declares for the draft, saying that his style and poise on the field would “fit nicely with what this team has come to expect from its quarterbacks.”