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ROME – The billowing black smoke tells the anxious crowd in St. Peter’s Square that no choice has been made. Yet.
But the tailgating masses outside the recently-renamed Sistine Chapel And Bowl Championship Series Headquarters know that
it’s only a matter of time before the College of Cardinals ends its conclave and elects a new BCS National Champion.
“Look, people,” said the University of Notre Dame and the Vatican’s Athleticus Maximus Kevin White
on Wednesday, addressing reporters from a Sistine Chapel balcony dressed in full Papal regalia. “The BCS just isn’t
working. It’s time for a change. I mean, look at the latest rankings… Ohio State number one? Come on, their schedule
is a joke. Let’s see them take the field against a real opponent, like UCLA or Boston College.”
The conclave began this morning, shortly after the press conference in which His Irishness Kevin White—who has chosen
the regnal name Bradious Quinnous I—announced that a group of militant Notre Dame football fans had taken over both
the office of BCS Coordinator Michael Silve, and the sovereign nation of the Vatican, “in the best interests of college
football.”
“Now that the BCS has merged with the Holy See,” Quinnous continued, “we have the good Lord on our side
to help us pick the right champion. We’ve only been picking college football champions here on earth for nine years.
And how many times has [the Son of God] Touchdown Jesus’ favorite team, Notre Dame, won during that time?”
White then paused. “They haven’t won it even once. I think the facts speak for themselves. The fine folks here
at the Vatican have been picking the world’s chief religious figure—and doing a darn good job, too, from what
I hear—for the last, gosh, at least a hundred years or so.”
Observers living near the Vatican And BCS Headquarters claim to have seen a group of twenty-somethings wearing green shirts,
led by a leprechaun, scaling the Vatican walls early Wednesday morning, calming the Swiss Guard by telling them they were
“winning one for the Gipper.” These men are now believed to be the first Notre Dame militants to enter the Vatican,
and some speculate that they are also the group that bound and gagged Cardinal Protodeacon Darío Hoyos and replaced him with
legendary coach Ara Parseghian.
Reaction to the takeover from the world’s Catholics and college football aficionados has been mixed. Giuseppe Perducci
of Venice—a devout Catholic who also confesses to being a diehard University of Oregon fan—says that it is “disappointing”
to see the image of the Pontificate be marred by corporate America.
“It is sad to see the Vatican, after two thousand years of holy purity, become a money-grubbing symbol of corporate
saturation that refuses to adopt a fair playoff system to determine the national champion,” said Perducci. “I
do love those ‘Tuck the Frojans’ shirts they’ve got the Swiss Guard wearing now, though.”
During a special Catholic mass service held at Saint Patrick’s Cathedral in Boston, Massachusetts, churchgoers expressed
mild confusion toward recent doctrinal revisions passed down from Archbishop Rudy Ruettiger.
“I guess it makes sense that the Lord should choose who receives the ADT™ National Championship Rosary at the
end of the year,” said parish member Tom O’Tooley. “But, ‘in the name of the Father, the Knute, and
the Holy [Notre Dame Head Coach Charlie] Weis?’” he questioned, reciting the new Fightin’ Holy Trinity.
“Should we really be worshipping Weis? I mean, gluttony’s a mortal sin, right?”
Despite concerns regarding Papal corruption and religious impurities, however, the general consensus seems to be in favor
of the College of Cardinals deciding the BCS Champion. An ESPN SportsNation poll conducted Wednesday reveals that over 65%
of the United States—and an overwhelming 98% of Indiana voters—is in favor of the new playoff system. Said ESPN.com
Insider™ IrishFan20, “YEAH WHOOOO LET’S GO IRISH!!!!11 NOW WE CAN LISTEN TO THE ONLY TRUE AUTHORITY: GOD.
And we all kno [sic] who His favorite team is.”
God, when contacted by reporters, declined to comment.
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